• 



PR 4595 



"THE 

DUSTMAN'S 
BELLE:" 

AN ORIGINAL COMIC DRAMA, 

ON TW9 A©TTI 9 

BY 

CHARLES DANCE, Esq., 
(Member of the Dramatic Author's Society,) 

AUTHOR OF 

" The Country Squire,,'''' " T£e Beulah Spa." 

" Naval Engagements," §c. #c. #c 

FIRST PEBFORMED AT THE 

THEATRE ROYAL, LYCEUM, 

On MONDAY, JUNE 1st, 1846. 



LONDON. 

Published by S. G. Fairbrother, 31, Bowstreet, Covent Garden, and 

W. Strange, Paternoster Row ; 

Sold also by W. Barth, Brydges-street ; C. Harris, Bow-street; 

Wiseheart, Dublin ; and by all Booksellers. 

PRICE SIXPETSTCE, 



■ 



*$* 



\ 






DRAMATIS PERSONiE 



Ned Windfall, Mr. KEELEY 

Jacob Goodman, Mr. MEADOWS 

Morgan Rattler, Mr. VINING 

Mr ' Circuit > Mr.DIDDEAR 

Waiter > ,...Mr. KINLOCH 

Newspaper Boy, 

Sally Broomley, Mrs. KEELEY 

Susan Rattler, Miss VILLAR5 

Servants, Tradespeople, &c. 



I 



THE DUSTMAN S BELLE. 



ACT THE FIRST. 

Scene I.— A STREET IN LONDON. 

The houses across the stage at the back. Area 
railings in front of them. Area steps within 
the railings of the two centre houses practicable. 

\At the rising of the curtain a Dustman's hell is heard in a 
distant part of the Street, and the cry " Dusthoa !" 

Enter Jacob Goodman and Morgan Rattler, arm-in" 
arm, l. h. I.e. 

Morgan. It seems to me that I never come into this 
street without hearing that fellow's bell. 

Jacob. He's always in it — 

Morgan. How do you know ? 

Jacob. Oh, only from what you say — [aside] egad, [ 
had nearly let out my visits to his sister. {Aloud] I want 
to ask you, Morgan, if you think it right of us to neglect 
our business in this way — 

Morgan. Certainly not ! Why do you do it? 

Jacob. In the hope of keeping you out of mischief. 

Morgan. Jacob, you're a beauty, but I can't help liking 
your company — there's a great satisfaction in always having 
a fellow about one that one knows to be worse than ones- 
self. 

Jacob. Much obliged to you. 

Morgan. Heartily welcome — Tm a scamp, and have 
just honesty enough to own it. You're another, and have 
the impudence to set up for a saint. 

Jacob. I fear I shall never get any one to understand 
my true character. 

Morgan. That's ungrateful, when I have just explained 
it to you; but here's my sister — 

[Susan appears at Area gate, l. h. and looks 
down next Area as walJung something. 



:&\ 



Jacob. W hat a pretty girl your sister is ! 

Morgan. What's that to you ? How d'ye do, Sukey ? 

Susan. How do you do, Morgan ? 

Morgan". Can we come down ? 

Susan. Not to day — I don't think master's going out. 

Morgan. Come here, then. 

[Susan opens gate and comes forward. She 
shakes hands with Morgan, aud gives the 
other behind her to Jacob.] 
You [know my dear friend Jacob Goodman, don't 
you ? 

Susan. I've had the pleasure of seeing Mr. Goodman; 
he came with you one day the week before last. 

Jacob. \Jlside.~\ And he has come by himself every 
day since. 

Morgan. What were you peeping over into the next 
area so anxiously about ? 

Susan. Oh, nothing. I was only watching — woman- 
like — a little love-making business that's going on with my 
neighbour, Sally Broomly. 

Morgan. Who's her swain ? 

Susan. The Dustman. 

Morgan. The Dustman ! The nasty woman ! 

Susan. Oh, he's not one of the grimy people that carry 
the baskets up and down : he's a sort of a foreman. 

Jacob. Besides —a clean mind may lie concealed behind 
a dirty face. 

Morgan. And a dirty mind behind a clean one — eh, 
Jacob? But I say, Sukey — we're out for the day, and we're 
hungry : can't you give us something to eat? 

[Bell rings within the house. 

Susan. Stay — that's my master's bell : come back in 
ten minutes, and I'll try what I can do. [Going. 

Morgan. It is'nt for the value of the luncheon, but 
your master does deal with such a capital butcher. 

Susan. Very well — I'll see about it. [Exit to house. 

Morgan. Come along. 

Jacob. Morgan, I must ask you seriously, if you feel 
sure it's right that your sister should give us her master's 
victuals ? 

Morgan. Why, I'm not quite so sure of that as I am that 
you'll e*t them if she does. 

Jacob. Morgan, Morgan — I begin to fear I shall never 
impiove you. 

Morgan. I can't imagine anybody less likely. 

[Exeunt together. 



Bell and cry of <( Dusthoa." Enter Ned Windfall, l. h. 

Ned. Those understrappers of mine are so slow that I 
began to think I should never get here. And then, the 
horse that draws our cart, though he's as blind as Cupid, 
hasn't got his wings, or he'd move a little faster, when 
he knows I'm coming to see my Sally — bless her. There's 
the house she lives in — bless it ! and bless the area-steps she 
sometimes creeps up to see her constant Dustman. I can 
soon fetch her out. Servants may get confused between the 
visitors' bell and the servants' bell ; but there's something 
grand in the sound of the fine old English Dustman's bell, 
which the person who has once heard it can never mistake. 
[Rings bell. Sally appears at area-gate, r. h., 
with brush, dusting the stones. 

Sally. If I've any ear for music — and I've been told I 
have — that's my Neddy's bell. How are you to-day ? 

[Coming forward. 

Ned. How am I, Sally? All the better for seeing your 
merry face — and who is n't ? 

Sally. You're uncommon civil — so civil that it makes 
me melancholy. 

Ned. Well, that's very odd. 

Sally. Not if you come to think. 

Ned. No? 

Sally. No. Men are often mighty civil before marriage, 
and very much the t'other thing afterwards. 

Ned. And don't you know why that is, Sally? Because 
if you don't it's high time you were told. 

Sally. Tell me then, by all means. 

Ned. Well, it's just this : women are often mighty civil 
before marriage, and very much the t'other thing afterwards. 

Sally. What does that prove, but that one is as bad as 
the other ? 

Ned. Nothing : but in that nothing lies everything. 
When a single woman wants anything of you, it's — " You'll 
do it, dear, won't you ? Yes, I know you will, 'cause you're 
my sweetheart;" but a married woman, behold you, sings 
a different song, and then it's— "I'll thank you to attend 
to what I say, sir ! you must — you know you must — 'cause 
you're my husband." 

Sally. I never said the first to you, and so you've no 
right to suppose I shall ever say the second. 

Ned. I don't, Sally— no, that I don't. 

Sally. Very well, then, do you ever mean to behave ill 
to me ! 

Ned. Me, Sally! 



8 

Sally. Yes, u you, Sally" — 'cause, if you do, I wisfr 
you'd mention it before it's too late. 

Ned. When I^ol wish an east-wind may blow a whole 
cart-load of dust right in my face. 

Sally, What an awful wish ! I must believe you. 

Ned. That's right- Do you* know what happened last 
Sunday? 

Sally. What? 

Ned. " Also between Edward Windfall, bachelor, and 
Sarah Broomly, spinster, both of this parish ; being the third 
time of asking." 

Sally. Why, it's never the third time so soon. 

Ned. Isn't it, though ! You can't think what an all- 
overishness I felt when I heard it. 

Sally. Poor little man ! 

Ned. Ah I well may the old song say, 
" Love's like a dizziness, 
Won't let a poor man, 
Go about his business." 
But I don't care, I'm going to be a rich man one of these 
days. 

Sally, Who told you that, you silly fellow ? 

Ned. A Gipsy at Horn fair 

Sally, Oh, then it's sure to be true. 

Ned. You may laugh, but she did — when I was a boy % 
I gave her the only shilling I had, and she told me I should 
eorne to be a rich man when I grew up. 

Sally. Was that all the change you got ? 

Ned. Yes j and pretty good change too. 

Sally. When it comes ; but I can open your poor weak 
eyes a bit 

Ned. How so ? 

Sally. How so — why the woman must say something to 
comfort you for the loss of your shilling, and so she told 
you that you'd be a rich man when you grew up, because 
she was sharp enough to see that you never would grow up, 

Ned. Oh, hang the old witch! was that it? Well, 
never mind, what day shall we be married I 

Sally. Don't ask me such questions. 

Med. But I must — so name the day. 

Sally. Well — not Friday. 

Ned. Then Thursday; give me your hand — not that — 
the left. [ Takes out bit of tape to measure herjfinger 

Sally. What are you about with my hand ? 

Ned. Measuring this little fourth finger: there, now 
you may do whatever you like with the other hand. 



Sally. You give me leave ? 

Ned. Yes. 

Sally. There, then; 

[Bores his ear and goes towards house, 

Ned. Bless that smack ; I'm the happiest of human 
Dustmen, [Taking up bell.) Good bye, Sally ; and when 
next you hear this ring, you may be sure I'm coming with 
another. 

[Exeunt severally— Salt y down steps, Ned, l. h. 
ringing and calling tm Dusthoa.'' 
Susan has re-appcared at gate and observes them. 

Susan. [Coming out with two papers in her hand.] Oh ! 
that's it is it? Well, I wish you both joy, I'm sure. 
Re-enter Morgan and Jacob, r. h. 1 e. 

Mor. Can we come in now t 

Susan. No ; but I've brought you a sandwich — [gives 
it] — and another for your friend, if he'll accept it. 

[Offering it, 

Jacob. You're very kind ; but I doubt whether — 

Sus. Would you mind eating first, and doubting after- 
wards ? because if my master comes out I may get into a 
scrape. 

Jac. To save you from trouble I'll eat anything — [eats. 

Mor, Including your words ; won't you, Jacob? 

Jac. Will you never respect conscientious scruples? 

Mor. [Eating.] Conscientious grandmothers ! how do 
you like the sandwich ? 

Jac. It's very good, I confess ; but if I am to answer 
candidly, I must say 1 have two objections to it. 

Mor. Out with them. You're always a treat when 
you're candid. 

Jac. Well, then — one is, that I very much fear our 
easing this gentleman's sandwiches without his leave is 
hardly moral ; arad the other is, that there's scarcely 
mustard enough. 

Mor. If you mix your morality and your mustard that 
way, you'll be puzzled to know which you're swallowing 

Jac [to Susan.] Your Brother will have his fun. 

[Jl Boy is crossing the stage with newspapers, 
from r. h. 1 e.] 

Mor. Holloa ! you sir, come here ; let me look at one of 
those papers. 

Boy. I can't — they're all bespoke. 

Mor, Nonsense — give me hold ; I want to see how my 
shares get on. [Reads — Jacob and Susan talk apart.] 
Oh ! here's one of 'em : thirty shillings paid— two and a half 



io 

premium. Here's the other : two pounds paid — three and 
a half premium— that's your sort. [About to give paper 
to Boy — resumes it.] Stop ! I always like to look if any 
one has died and left me a fortune. [Reads again, and 
aloud.] " Heir at- Law. — Mr. Thomas Windfall, formerly 
of the pajjsh of Marylebone, dust contractor, has lately 
died intestate. A Clerk of the Solicitor, in whose hands his 
papers are, is now in London, with instructions to discover 
his heir-at-law. If the party interested will inquire for 
Mr. Circuit, at the Craven Arms, Portland Street, Maryle- 
bone, he will hear of something greatly to his advantage." 
Persecuted individual that I am! — why isn't my name 
Windfall? 

Sus- That's the name of the man I was telling you about 
just now. 

Mor. What! — the fellow that makes that infernal row 
with the bell ? 

Sus. Yes. 

Mor. And makes love to your friend next door ? 

Sus. To be sure. 

Mor. [To Boy] I say — I shall keep this paper, whether 
ycu like it or not: there's the money. [Boy takes money 
and exit, l.h.] Now just fancy that — he's as rich as Croesus. 

Sus. Who's that? 

Mor. Jacob, who's that ? 

Jac. I don't know ; but some chap with lots of money. 

Sus. And has Mr. Crcesus died and left it to this man, 
then ? 

Mor. No, no. One Thomas Windfall, formerly of this 
parish, dust-contractor, has died without a will. Some 
lawyer sends a clerk up to London to find out his heir. 
Now, no lawyer takes that trouble or any other for nothing, 
therefo e you may take your oath that old Dusty has left lots 
of money. Young Dusty, here, is of the same name, same 
trade, and same parish — 'therefore I'll take my oath t'iat 
he's the man. 

Sus. And if he is, what good is it to us ? 

Mor. That's to be seen hereafter. A man without a 
projecting bump in his head isn't fit to live in these times. 
Where does young Dusty hang out? 

Sus. I don't know? 

Mor. Which way is he gone ? 

Sus. That way. [pointing l. h. 

Mor. Jacob, come along : a new line is open to us. * 

Jac. Where's your terminus? 

Mor. It isn't easy to say. 

Sus. But what are you going after ? 



11 

Mor. After young Dusty. 

Sus. And where, then t 

Mor. To find the lawyer's clerk at The Craven Arras, 
Great Portland Street. Come : I foresee that we shall make 
a good thing of this. 

Jacob. I haven't the least objection, provided 

Mor. [interruptinghim] It's consistent with morality, I 
suppose. [Exeunt 

Mor. [returning instantly] Susan, one caution — not a 
word of this to your friend next djor. 

Sus. Why, she's going to be married to this very man. 

Mor. As far as you know Mind what I say, Mum's 
the word. 

Sus. Oh, very well. " Mum." 

[Exeunt Morgan and Jacob. Susan watches them 
off, then runs to area of Sally's house, and 
calls " Sally, Sally ! come up — make haste." 

Sus. [coming forward] A precious likely story, Mr. 
Morgan! that I'm to know such a delicious secret as this, 
and leave anybody else the pleasure of telling it. 
Re-enter Sally, from area. 

Sally. Here I am : what in the world is the matter? 

Sus. Oh, Silly! I have such a secret to tell you — only 
I mustn't. 

Sally. Nonsense ! If I knew a secret about you, wouldn't 
I out with it. 

Sus. But I've been told not. 

Sally, That would just make me want to tell it all the 
more. 

Sus. Well, I declare ! — so it does me. 

Sally. Go on, then — what is it about ? 

Sus. Mr. Windfall. 

Sally. Take care, Mrs. Susan: what do you knows 
about him ? 

Sus. A leetle more than you do. 

Sally Well, that's rich. 

Sus. And so is he : as rich as some old gentleman they 
call Mr. Croesus. 

Sally. Goodness me ! — how do you know that ? 

Sus. Why, my brother read in the newspaper,just now, 
an advertisement, saying that one Mr. Windfalls dead, and 
has left lots of money ; and they want to find his heir-in- 
law, I think they call it, and my brother says that's your 
Windfall. 

Sally, [thoughtfully] The Gipsy! 

Sus. W ell, that's civil, at any rate. 



Salty. I don't rrean you, Susan; but a Gipsy once told 
him he'd come to be a rich man. Where is poor Windfall ? 

Sus. I ich Windfall, you mean* 

Sally. I don't know that, Susan : he's an excitable little 
man, and there's no knowing what effect a sudden change 
of fortune may have upon him. 

Sus. Think of the money. 

Sally. People aint always happier because they're richer 
—'specially people that haven't been used to it, like. 

Sus. Think what lots of new gowns you'll be able to 
have. 

Sally. Stuff! 

Sus. Not stuff ones only — all kinds. 

Sally Susan, I'm frightened out of my seven senses, 
and so I tell you. I'd give my silver thimble if I was 
with him to keep him right. 

Sus. That's easy enough. I know where they're gone. 
Pop on your bonnet and shawl, and we'll be after them. 

Sally. Susan, you're a good-natured, neighbourly girl, 
and if all goes right I'll give you a new bonnet and a shawl 
too ; but I doubt it, I doubt it : [going — stops] La ! how 
dull I do feel. 

Sus. If I was in your place, I must say I should feel any 
thing but 

Sally. If this business turns my poor Neddy's head, I 
shall wish the nasty money was at the 

Sus. Hush, Sally ! for shame ! 

Sally. Bottom of the sea. 

Sus. Oh, I bpg your pardon. 

[Exeunt down their several areas. Scene closes. 

Scene II.— A STREET. 

Enter Ned singing. 
Ned. Of all the girls that are so smart 

There's none like litle Sally; 
For she's the darling of my heart, 

And she lives in our alley. 
At least on Thursday next she mill live in our alley ; for on 
that happy day she will become Mrs. Windfall, and I shall 
become — a married man ! B'ess us all ! — a married man ! 
it's awful. But I shall be glad of it for one thing, at any 
rate. I'm a deuce of a chap for saying nice things to the 
girls; and, when it's once known that I'm a married man, 
they can't score up every civil word that one says against 
one. [Takes out a paper] I've got a verse or two here that 
I've written to the old tune, all in honour of my Sally that 
is to be. [Appears to be studying them, with his back to l.h 



IB 

Muter Jacob and Morgan, 'unseen by Ned, L.ii. 

Mor. There he is, I wish he'd turn round. I want our 
meeting him to seem quite accidental* Remember your 
instructions. 

Jac. But what part am I to play ? 

Mor. Second fiddle to me. Back up everything I do, 
and swear to everything I say. 

Jac. You'll not mislead me? I have a character. 

Mor. You have, and I'll do nothing to injure it. I 
couldn't 

Jac. On those conditions 

Mor. Silence ! He won't turn , so we must g® round and 
meet him the other way. Come. [Exeunt Mor. and Jac. l.h. 

Ned. If she don't like this she must be hard to please, 
for I flatter myself that my Christmas carols have been 
rather successful lately. [Singing. 

The Sal they used to sing about 

Wa'n't half the girl my Sal is ; 
You'll never find her equal out, 

Search all the lanes and alleys. 
And when the lads look woe-begone, 

Because too late they've met her, 
I swell with pride and cry with scorn, 

" Don't you wish that you may get her ?" 

[During the Singing of the preceding verse, Morgan and 
Jacob have re-entered at the opposite side, r. h, 
When N ed looks up he sees that they are observing 
him, and talking to one another about him, he shews 
signs of annoyance.'} 

Mo?\ Well, I never — 

Jac. Nor I neither. 

[Ned puts himself into an attitude of indignant 
defiance. 

Mor. There — now more than ever. 

Jac. It's quite extraordinary. 

Ned. Perhaps you'll know me when you see me again. 

Mor. I should know vou amongst a hundred 

Ned. Indeed ! 

Jac. Amongst a thousaud. 

Ned. Really then! it's a pity you should waste so much 

time in looking at me. 

Mor. Don't be annoyed with us! there's something in 
your appearance that make's it impossible for us to help 
looking at you — 

Jac. It does, indeed ! we're quite struck with it. 



14 

Ned. If you want to insult me, you'll stand a chance 
to get struck with something else. 

Jac. We wouldn't offend you for the world. 

Ned. Egad, you'd better not— I'm litttle, but I'm pretty 
tough. 

Mor. [to Jacob.] He must be disguised. 

Ned. What do you mean by disguised? I hav'nt 
touched a drop of liquor to-day ; I'm as respectable as you 
are, for all your fine clothes, and my bad ones. 

Mor. You confess it, then ! 

Ned. Confess what? you great fool. 

Jac. We've caught you out. 

Ned. Then you've caught a tartar. 

Mor. You can't deceive us; your face, your figure, 
your manners, your very voice, all shew you to be above 
what you pretend to be — 

Ned. Gammon ! 

Jac. Fact. 

Ned. [Aside.] It's very odd; it does'nt seem as if they 
wished to be uncivil. 

Mor. [Aside to Jacob.] He's coming round. 

Ned. I tell you what it is — I'm above pretending to be 
anything more than what I am. 

Morr What noble sentiments ! 

Ned. [pleased. J You're very good. 

Mor. Excuse the liberty in a stranger — but were you 
always a Dustman? 

Ned. Ever since I could carry a shovel. 

Jac. But you've been so well brought up. 

Ned. Well, after a fashion. I had a rich uncle that 
gave me all the laming I've got. 

Mor. And what has become of him ? 

Ned. Oh, I don't know ; he was a very rum chap ; he 
took miff at something I did, and went nobody knows 
where, years ago. 

Mor, I'm quite interested in your story, and long to 
hear more about, it. The street is ro place to talk in. 
We're only working men like yourself, but beinp out for a 
holiday, we're a little better dressed, perhaps. We've or- 
dered a dinner at the Tavern, at the corner of the street; so 
to shew that you arn't affronted come and share it with us. 

Ned. [Aside.] By George, they're capital fellows, 
[aloud ] You're deuced kind — I don't like to say no. 

Jac. That's hearty of you. 

Ned. Do you know I was quite taken in with you at 
first — but don't think anything more about that. 



15 

Jac and Mor. Oh ! 

Ned. I've got some better clothes at home, I promise 
you ; I'll just go and pop 'em on, and when you see me 
again you shan't be ashamed to sit down with Ned 
Windfall. 

Jac. and Mor, [vehemently]. Ned who? 

Ned. What's the matter with you both ? Ned Windfall. 

Mor. Well, if that is'nt the most wonderful thing that 
ever happened 

Jac. It's all but miraculous. 

Ned. What is ? what is ? what is ? 

Mor. You're a Dustman! 

Ned. Any body could see that. 

Jac. Your name's Ned Windfall. 

Ned. Well, I told you so. 

Mor. This is the parish of Marylebone ! 

Ned. Of course it is. 

Jac. You had an uncle ! 

Fed. Certainly, I had. 

Mor. Was he a dust contractor ? 

Ned, He was. 

Jac. One more question, and your fate is sealed, What 
was his name ! 

Ned. Goodness gracious ! Thomas ! 

Mor. [who has taken the newspaper from his pocket, 
gives it to Ned.] Read that — 

Ned. [having run his eye over the advertisement, and 
expressed astonishment as he went on.] Mercy upon us ! 
what must I da? 

Mor- Go at once # to the lawyer's clerk : we'll go 4 with 
you, ' 

Ned. No, no, not in this dress; I'll go alone. 

Jac. Don't speak of dress. 

Ned. How very friendly ! — 

Mor. Friendly? My dear Windfall, we're not the men 
to leave you at such a moment as this. 

Ned How lucky that I met with you. 

Jac. I hope it will prove so. 

Ned. Stay; a thought strikes me — suppose this should 
be some fetch to get me into a hobble ; something greatly 
to my disadvantage. 

Jac. Still you'll have your friends about you. 
Ned. I never met with two such people ! Come, then, 
I shall be proud of your company — [pauses, looks at his 
dress] — but as I'm not quite sure that youll be proud of 
mine, perhaps you had better keep a little distance otf. 

[Exeunt, Ned leading, r, h. 



16 

Scene III.— A EOOM AT THE CEAVEN 
AEMS. 

A table with a few hooks, papers, letters, and a 
Times newspaper on it. Chairs,, Src* about, 
fire-place with fire in the grate, and an easy 
chair near it. 

A Waiter enters, l. h, with a duster in his hand, followed 
by Circuit, who has his hat and gloves on., an umbrella 
in one hand, and a blue bag with papers in it in the other. 
Waiter dusts easy chair and table, and stirs the fire. 
Circuit takes off his hat and gloves, puts them and umbrella 
down t and lays bag on table. 

Cir. Has any one been here to inquire for me, in answer 
to that advertisement ? 

Wai. No, Sir ! [Waiter is going out of the room. 

Cir. Very well ; shut the door ai'ier you. 

Wai. If any body calls am I to keep them below, and 
let you know, sir"; or shew them up at once to you ? 

Cir. A very proper question — stop! 

Wai. [After a short pause,] Which am I to do, sir? 

Cir* Stop, I tell you! I never answer a question without 
taking time to consider. 

Wai. You wouldn't do for a waiter, sir! 

Cir. It isn't necessary that I should. 

Wai. La, sir ! Master tells us that we ought to be like 
the Irish waiter, who got to be so sharp, that when any one 
wanted him, and called " wai," he said, »* sir,'' before the 
Gentleman could say " ter." 

Cir. Keep them below, and let me know. 

Wai. Very good, sir ! — do you want me any more, or 
am I to go ? 

Cir. Stop !— Go. [Exit Waiter, l. h. 

Cir. I shan't have much trouble about this business, for 
I find that this Thomas Windfall had but one surviving 
relation, a nephew, whose name was Edward. 

[Takes up newspaper, and throws himself into an 
easy chair. 

Re-enter Waitkr, l. h. 

Wai. Two people want to see you, sir ! 

Cir. Jointly, or severally ? 

Wai. They both came together. 

Cir. Males or females ? Describe them, and as exactly 
as you can. 

Wai. Two gents. 



IT 

Cir. I hate that word gents — why don't you say gen- 
tlemen'! 

Wai. 'Cause you told me to describe them as exactly as 
I could, sir, and you may trust a waiter for knowing the 
difference between a gent and a gentleman. 

Cir. Stopi — let them come up. [Exit Waiter, l. h. 
That's a sharp fellow, that waiter, but it won't do to 
encourage him, or he'd talk all day. 

Re-enter Waiter, l h. shewing in Morgan and Jacob, 
followed by Ned Windfall. 

Wai. That's Mr. Circuit. [As he is going out, he ob- 
serves Ned, and is about to put him back.'] 

Jac. [to Waiter.] No, no; it's all right, let him stay. 
[Exit Waiter, l.h. Circuit gets up to receive them. 

Mor. Mr. Circuit, I believe ! 

Cir. I believe so. 

Mor, In consequence of an advertisement 

Cir. Stop, sir! we are not upon equal terms; favor me 
with your name. 

Mor. Morgan Prattler. 

Cir. [to Jacob.] Your's if you please. 

Jac. Jacob Goodman. 

Cir. [to Morgan.] Now, sir, go on. 

Mor. You have put an advertisement in the Times ■ 

Cir. My employer has. 

Jac. To find the nearest relation of one Thomas Wind- 
fall 

Cir. I'd rather hear one witness at a time, if you please. 

Mor. Who has died and left him a mint of money. 

Cir. I'm not aware that the advertisement states that. 

Mor. Well, it's something greatly to his advantage, 
isn't it? 

Cir. Stop — why do you ask ? Neither of you can be the 
man. 

Mor. No, but he's an intimate friend of ours. 

Jac. A bosom friend, 1 may say. [Aside] Nobody sees 
me I'll shake hands with him. [Shakes hands with Ned. 

Cir. His name ? 

Mor. Edward Windfall. 

Cir. Aside] Right so far. [Aloud] And where is the 
said Edward ? 

Ned. [From behind them] Here. 

Mor. Yes, we have brought him with us, and now —> 

Cir. Slop — I never de.»l with deputies when I can see 
the principal ; come forward, Mr. Edward Windfall, if 
that is your name. [NVd advances and bows awkwardly. 



18 

Ned. Your seivant, sir. That is my name, as suTe as a 
gun. 

Cir. Guns sometimes miss fire : I must have proof. 

Jac. My friend and 1 will make any oath that is neces- 
sary . 

Cir. I have known people that would, sir. [To Ned] 
You must proouce a certificate of your birth, my good 
man. 

Ned. Egad, that's lucky! I'm going to be married in a 
few days, and I've got it in my pocket. 

[Produces and hands it to Circuit. While Circuit 
reads it the others exchange signs of satisfaction. 

Cir. [Jlside] He must be the man, I think, but I'll test 
him a little further. [Aloud] I'm sorry to disappoint you, 
but in legal matters we sometimes feel it a duty to use a 
little deceptionfor the good of others. The late Mr. Thomas 
Windfall was supposed to be a rich man. 

Ned. [Anxiously] Supposed! 

Cir. Well — he was. 

Ned. [Relieved^ Ah! 

Cir. But, unfortunately, he spent it all, and died in 
debt. And so we have taken this method of finding out his 
nearest relation in hopes that, for the sake of his credit as 
well as his creditors, he will be induced to pay ihem. 

Ned. And is this what you call something greaily to my 
advantage? 

Cir. Every man who does what is right finds it to his 
advantage in the end. 

Mor. There must be some mistake. 

Cir. Not unless you have made it. 

Jac. Well, I dare say we have [To Ned] Isn't your 
name John ? 

Ned. No. 

Mor. [Aside to Ned] Swear it is. 

Ned. I shan't. I haie lies. 

Cir. Well, what say you ? 

Ned. Why, I say that ray uncleTom was a good chap to 
me when I was a boy, and if a five pound note will do it, 
I'm the man that will pay his debts. 

Jac. [Jlside to Morgan] What a precious fool ! 

Mor. [Jlside to Jacob] Just the one we wanted if he'd 
got the money. 

Cir. Five Pounds, my good friend, won't pay your late 
uncle's debts. 

Ned. Well, I'm sorry for it ; but I can't fork out any 
more. I've only got ten; and I'm going to be manied ; 
and carriage, you mus*. know, is a deuced expensive thing. 



19 

Cir. Well, my worthy friend, your conduct does you 
houour ; and I am happy to tell you that I have been, 
deceiving you Your uncle was rich, was not in debt, and 
every farthing of his money is yours. 

Ned. [Incredulously] I'll be hanged if I can make out 
when you're humbugging me and when you're not. 

Cm I deserve your suspicions, but I acted from a good 
motive. I now find you to be a good little fellow, and I 
wouldn't trifle with your feelings for the world. What I 
last told you is strictly true. 

Ned. My gracious ! [to Morgan.] Do you think I may 
believe him ? 

Mor. Certainly. 

Jac. No doubt of it. My dear Ned, I congratulate you. 

Cir. [To Jacob] I thought his name was John. 

Jac. Well, so did I, but I forgot. 

Ned. And, pray, how much money is it that's comin<? to 
me ? Fifty pounds ? [Circuit smiles] What, moref Sixty? 
[Circuit continuing to smiley he continues to advance, 
doubting ly and anxiously] Se-ven-ty? Eighty? A hun- 
dred \ [To Jacob] What in the world am I to do ? — he 
keeps grinning. 

Mor. Go on, boldly. 

Ned. What! more still? 

Cir. More, more, friend — much more. 

Jac. Trv him with a thousand, slap, 

Ned. [Tremblingly] You dont mean to say a thousand ? 

Cir. More yet — very much more. 

Ned I say, mind what you're about — 'cause I'm begin- 
ning to feel rather queer. 

Cir. Well, then, I must no longer keep you in suspense 
— prepare your nerves for a shock. 

Ned. Go it — I'm as firm as a rock. 

Cir. Then it is my duty to tell you that you are the abso- 
lute owner of the large sum of sixteen thousand pounds. 

Ned Oh, my eddies! 

[Staggers — Morgan and Jacdb support him] 

Cir [Running for the easy chair] I'll get a chair ; it's 
too much for the poor fellow. 

Mor [Aside to Jacob] Far too much. We must ease him 
of some. ^ [ They place Ned in a chair. 

Jac. I'm so glad to think we came with him. 

Cir. You seem to take great interest in his affairs. 

Mor. [Aside] Sneering brute. 

Ned. [Jumping up] Here's a pretty go. Ned Windfall a 
man of fortune ! [Walking up and down] Ned Windfall, 



did I say? No, thank you! Edward Windfall, Esquire, if I 
please Gad, who knows, with all this money, perhaps I 
shall gpt be-kn ; .ghted. Fancy my Sal a lady ! Well, and why 
not? [Sings,] 

There's ne'er a lady in the land 
Is half so sweet as Sally. 
Won't she stare her little eyes out of her little head ? I'll be 
off and tell her. Give me my hat. 

Mtr. Not yet, my good friend. You're not fit to go out 
into the street at present. 

Ned. Oh, well don't trouble yourself. [To Circuit] 
Isn't this a public house ? 

Cir. It's a tavern. 

Ned. That will do. Here — waiter! [bawling] waiter • 

Cir. Don't bawl so — they'll think you mad. Calm 
your>elf, my good sir. 

Ned. [Aside] "My good sir!" oho! it's who but me, 
now. [Aloud] It's very well to talk about calming your- 
self ; but I wish you had sixteen thousand pounds. 

Cir. I join you heartily in that wish. 
r Ned. And then see how calm you'd be 

Mor. The first thing you do, jou had bettar come with 
us, and let us get you properly dressed. 

Ned. Oh, bother about clothes. I aint ashamed of my 
dress. 

Jac. But remember your position in life 

Ned, Ah, that's true. I forgot that. I dare say you're 
right. But what am I to do ? I shall never be able to 
stand still for a tailor to measure me. 

Cir. Mr. Windfall — a word with you. 

Ned. [Going to him] Well., what? 

Cir. [Aside to him] Are you snre you're qnite safe- with 
those friends of yours ? 

Ned. [Jlside to him] Oh, bleis you, yes — they were 
friends of mine before they ever guessed I was a gentleman. 

Mor. [Aside to Jacob] I don't like that, lawyer. 

Jac. [Aside to Morgan] I hate all lawyers. 

Ned. Its time I settled what to do, and I don't know what 
to be at first. People with my property have no business to 
be idling about: they ought to be doing great things for the 
good of the country. 77/ do great things. I'll take the 

parish contract for dust . I'll call a hackney-coach, and 

drive all over London to buy things for Sally . I'll 

give a dinnpr to all the dustmen — roast beef, plum pudding, 
and as much beer as ever they can drink Won't I make 
their jolly grimy old faces grin for joy? I don't know what 



2i 

T 11 do, and I don't know what I won't do. By George, I 
never remembered the Gipsy. I wonder where the old 
gi'l is now. Didn't she sell me a good shillings worth ? 

Haven't I got sixteen thou Ha, ha ! Sixteen ! Ha, 

ha, ha ! 

[Falls into a violent fit of laughter, which be- 
comes hysterical, and then gradually chances 
to crying and sinks into a chair. 
Oh, dear! oh, dear? I'm very poorly. 
Sally and Susan enter l. h. Morgan and Jacob inter- 
pose as to put them back, 

Sally. Stand away, sir ; that's my Neddy's voice, and 
he savs he's very poorly. [Forces past them and goes up 
to chair. ] Oh ! Ned, what in the world is the maiter? 

Cir. iNothing to grieve about, my dear ; he has suddenly 
berome rich. 

Sally, [half weeping.'] Rich! Poor fellow, look at him ! 

Cir. Are you his wife ? 

Sally. No, sir ! but I'm his — is to be ? 

Cir. Well, well, don't be alarmed, his nerves are a little 
shaken by the good news. 

Sally. Good news? He's dying! 

Jac. [approaching.] Bless you ! he's worth half-a-dozen 
dead men yet. 

Sally. He's worth half-a-dozen of any kind of men that 
ever /saw. 

Mor. [approaching] It's all nothing ; leave him to us ; 
he'll soon recover. 

Sally. And the sooner, perhaps, if you don't stand so 
close to him. 

Sus. Take heart, Sally ; take heart ! can I fetch any- 
thing? 

Sally. Fetch a doctor. 

Ned. [reviving] No, no, no! I'm better now. I don't 
want a dcotor. 1 only want — [looking up and seeing her] 
Sally ? [Sally smiles and nods to him ] How did you get 
here? 

Sally, We walked. 

Ned. Oh, my dear Sally, such an extraordinary thing has 
happened to me. 

Sally. I know, I know ; but you're poorly — don't talk 
about it now! 

Ned. I must, [rising"] I must, I tell you ; I can't talk 
about anything else. 

Sally, [to Circuit.] O^, sir! S'ophim, do! He'll ex- 
cite himself till ihey put him in a Lunar Asylum. 



92 

Cir. We must hope not. 
Ned. I'm quite well now, I tell you. 
Susan. I'm very glad to hear it. We came on purpose 
to see how you did. 

Ned. You're very kind, Mrs. Susan, very; — as kind as 
you are pretty — [shakes hands with her.] 

Sally [Observing his attention to her.] You can't be 
■well ! I'm certain you can't ! You had better let me go 
home with you. 

Ned- In this dress, Sally? No, that you sha'nt ! I 
never let you do that when T was a poor man. And do 
you think I will now that I am rich, and you're going to be 
a lady 1 

Sally. Fiddle — what's to make aie a lady? 
Ned Money. 

Sally. Don't you believe it! — No, Mr. Ned, money may 
turn people's heads, as I fear it has yours; and change 
their hearts, Mr. Ned, which I hope it wonH yours. But 
as to money making a prop-r lady, you may just as well 
ex; en a lady to make a proper housemaid.. 

Cir. Take my advice, friend Windfall — you're a little 
excited — place yourself under that young woman's care. 
It's quite cl-ar to me that you can't be in better hands. 

Ned. I agree with you, bless you ; but I am no longer 
the man I was, I have new duties to perform, and though 
I don't exactly know what they are, 1 feel that I must per- 
form them. Look here, Mr. Circuit, to shew )ou that I 
think quite as high of Sally as you do, I shall be glad for 
you, as soon as my business is all seiiled, to let her have as 
much money a< ever she likes ; a cart load if she chooses 
it : and I should wish her for to lea\e her place at once, 
and go into gentrel lodgings, and there she can stay till 
we're married. 

Cir. Well, well, but these things can't be done in a 
moment. 

Ned. Oh, bless you, yes, they can ! Wh-n a man's 'rich 
he can do anything. It ber maste> makes any bother, pay 
him a quarter's wages and have don:: with him. 

Cir I'll attend to your direction:. — but still I advise you 
to let her go with you nov\. 

Sus. Now, do ! I'm sure, for my part, I think the gen- 
tleman speaks like a book. Any body could see with half 
an eye that he was right. 

Cir. And you have two whole ones — and very pretty 
ones, to >. i [Susan curtseys to him. 

Jac. [Aside, and sneeringly.'] Indeed! 



23 

Mor. [Aside to Susan.] Hold your tongue! What the 
deuce did you bring her here for? 

Sus. [Aside to him] Because I wasn't quite such a 
savage as you were. Besides, I think Windfall is a very 
nice little man. 

Mor. I'm delighted to hear you say so! [Aside to 
Jacob.] Arn'tyout 

Jac. [Aside to him.] Why? 

Mor. [Aside to him.'] Stupid! because our game is to 
break or! this match, and get up one between my Sister 
and Windfall. 

Jac. [Aside to him.'] Oh ! it is ? [Aside.] Not if I 
can help it though ? 

Mor. [Aloud.] Well, Windfall, are you ready ? 
Sally. No, sir, he's not ready. 
Mor. It's Ubual 10 let men answer for themselves. 
Ned. [in a careless tone.] No, my good friend ; you're 
very kind — but, on second thoughts, I have changed uiy 
mind. 
Mor. Just let me speak a word to you. 

[Ned comes across to Morgan ; Morgan and 
Jacob get one on each side of him : Susan 
crosses to Sally, and they and Circuit 
converse.] 
What are you about man ? If you give up in this 
way you'll never have a moment's peace. 
Ned. Do you think not? 

Mor. I'm certain of it! Besides, with your good for- 
tune, you can't, you positively can't be seen about till 
you're properly dressed. [Aside to Jacob ] Why don't 
you back me up ? 

Ned. Well, I dare say you are right! I suppose it 
would not do. 

Jac. People would laugh at you. 

Ned. The deuce they would ! It doesn't do for people 
of property to be laughed at. 

ATor. Come with us at ouce then ! 
Ned. 1 will. 

Mor. Stick 10 that, and you'll be all right. 
Ned. Well, good bye, Sally ; I'll see you again by and 
bye! 

Sally. You don't mean to say that you're goh;g with- 
out me? 

Mor. [Aside to Ned] Keep it up. 
Ned. My dear girl — change of circumstances requires 
change of appearance. 



24 

Sally. I don't care for your appearance — it's your dis- 
appearance. Besides, circumstances must be changed with 
you before you'd serve me in ihis way. 

Ned. [Aside to Mo it.] I can't do it ; she's going to cry. 

Mor. [Aside to Jacob.] Say something. 

Jac. [Aside to Ned.] Women can always cry when it 
suits them. 

Ned. [Aside to Jacob] I didn't know that — [aloud.'] 
Don't cry, >ally. 

Sally. Don't you go, then. 

Ned. Imu-t. 

Cir. It's no part of a lawyer's duty to give advice when 
it's not asktd, but I must say you ought to be ashamed of 
yourself to worry this young woman so. 

Sus. And you, Mr. Morgan, ought to be ashamed of 
yourself to encourage him. 

Mor. Susan ! 

Sus. And as for you, Mr. Jacob Goodman — 

Jac. Oh, well, ir you don't approve of it — 

Mor. [Aside to Jacob-] What does her opinion signify 
to you? [They are pulling Med away. 

Sally Stop a moment; I've made up my mind — jou 
shan't go. 

Mor. [Aside to Ned.] If you give way now it's all over 
with you. 

Ned. Come, come, Mrs. Sally, shan't is a strong word; 
since you come to that, 1 will. 

Sully. [Angrily.] Go, then, Mister Ned, [softening'] 
but I feel that 1 shall never see you again. 

Ned. What Non:>en>e! I'm only going to the tailors' 

Sally. [Sobbi?ig] You'll be the death of me, and so 
you'd better call at the undertaker's. 

Mor. [Jlside to N tD.] Be firm, and you're a made man. 

Ned. Upon my life, my dear Sally, J must say that you 
are making yourself quite ridiculous. 

[Going, pulled away by Morgan and Jacob. 

SaVy. Very likely, sir; but one word more before you 
go. IVed, I say, [crying] how dare you, sir? 

Ned. [Stopping and turning.] Well! what is it ? 

Sally. Mark my words — this making of your fortune 
will b^ your ruin. 

Ned. Sally, Sally, I'm afraid you're growing silly, silly. 
[Exit Ned l. h., urged on by Morgan and 
Jacob Circuit and Susan console and 
restrain Sally, who, still sobbing, endea- 
vours to rush after Ned. Curtain jails. 



ACT THE SECOND. 

SCENE I. 

KITCHEN OF THE HOUSE IN WHICH 
SUSAN LIVES. 

Door in flat, r. h. Large window in flat, l. h., 
through which are seen area steps. Wooden table 
and chair in centre. 

Morgan discovered, sitting on the table. Jacob sitting across 
a chair the wrong way, and leaning on the back of it. 

Mor. I never knew such a provoking brute. This 
fellow's in our power. And when nothing is wanting but 
to hook him into a marriage with my sister, you start a 
hundred difficulties. 

Jac. I have a conscience. 

Mor. You have ; made of India-rubber, that will stretch 
any way it's wanted. 

Jac. I don't think it's moral. 

Mor. That' snot your real objection. 

Jac. Upon my honour 

Mor. Now I knoioxi is'nt. [He jumps down, and 
Jacob jumps up] If you don't assist me. heart and hand, I'll 
expose your morality for you. 

Jac. Hush, Morgan, hush ! 

Mor* Will you do what I want, then? 

Jac. Well, I'll promise, [aside] but I wo'nt perform- 

Mor. That's my own dear Jacob again. And now mind 
what you are about, for I hear Susan coming. 
Enter Susan, l. h. 

Sus. What is this important matter that you want to see 
me about ? 

Jac. Marriage — 

Mor. Hold your tongue. [To Susan.] Have you ever 
thought about a husband ? 

Sus. You men are kind enough to tell us that we never 
think about anything else. 

Jac. Capital. 



26 

Mor. {Sharply ] Jacob — [to Susan] I mean any one 
in particular? Eh, Jacob? 

Sus. [Aside to Jacob] Am I to tell him ? 

Jac. Aside to her.] Don't, [Looks carelessly away. 

Mor. VV hat are you looking at him for ? Answer — 

Sus. [Hesitatingly.'] No. 

Mor- Then, Susan, we have found a husband for you. 
and we are both agreed that he is the*very man. 

Sus. Both? Then I suppose I must say yes. 

Jac. Aside to her] Do'nt. 

Sus. [Aside ] Now, I don't know what to say. 

Mor. Susan, you're a sensible wench. 

Sus. Would you mind telling me whoit is I'm to marry. 

Mor. Who should it be but the rich heir — Edward 
Windfall. 

Sus. I like a bit of fun, Morgan ; but this is the one 
subject upon which women never enjoy being made fools of. 

Mor. We're perfectly serious, ask Jacob. 

Sus. [To Jacob.] May I believe him ? 

Jac. Certainly. [Aside to her.~] Don't. 

Sus. AH I know is, that rich or not rich, the man your'e 
talking about is engaged to Sally Broomly. 

Mor. That must be broken off. Such things are done 
every day. 

Sus. More shame for those that do 'em ; why they've been 
asked in church, and he's as f©nd of her as ever he can be. 

Mor. Very likely. Men think every woman pretty till 
they see a prettier ; and you, Susan, though I say it, are a 
verv pretty girl. 

Jac. A very — very — very pretty girl. 

Mor. Jacob, that's enough. [To Susan] This man's 
money must come into the family somehew. There's half 
a quarrel already — I'll keep up that. Yon must make love 
to the little rich Dustman. 

Sus. And d o you think that I would do such a dirty thing ? 

Mor. What do you mean by dirty ? he's not dirty. 

Sus. No : but /should be, if I tried to cat out my friend. 

Mor. Pshaw ! love and friendship are two very different 
things. 

Sus. Then they ought not to be. 

Mor. Will you do as I tell you ? 

Sus. No. 

Mor. Jacob — persuade the silly girl. 

Jac. Do, Susan, do. [jlside to her] Don't. 

Sus. I won't. 

Mor. [aside] I must try and frighten her [Aloud and 
pathetically] Susan, you don't love your poor brother. 



27 

Sus. Nonsense, Morgan, you know I do. 

Mor. You wouldn't care to see him die in a ditch ? 

Sus. Oh, don't talk so 

Mor. I must. Susan, I have speculated— largely. Haven't 
I, Jacob ? 

Jac. Largely. 

Sus. Oh, dear ! In what? 

Mor. Alas! railroads. 

Sus. Why, I thought people made their fortunes in those 
things. 

Mor. So they do, Susan — up to a certain point ; but 
when once they have passed that, and get on to what they 
call the inclined plane, you've uo idea at what a pace they 
go to ruin. 

Sus. Dear, dear, this is dreadful. I can't bear to see 
you so. 

Mor. Save me then. 

Sus- How? , 

Mor. Make love to Ned Windfall. 

Sus. Youi friend can't think I ought. 

Mor. He can — he does — don't you, Jacob ? 

Jac. By all means. [Aside to Jier] Don't. 

Sus. There's something here that I can't understand. — 
[Aloud] Morgan, I'll do the beat i can for you. 

Mor. Tnen 1 may yei be saved from destruction. Come, 
Jacob. 

Jac. [Trying to cross to Sus] Stay — let me speak to 
her 

Mor. [stopping him] Not a word — not a word ; — we'll 
leave her while she's iu this mind. [Aloud'] Susan, my life 
is in your hands: have pity on your unhappy brother. 

Jac. [aside to him] But why nut let me? 

Mor. [aside to him] Get out, yau biute. 

[Exeunt Mor. and Jac. at door in flat — Mor. 
pushing him out.] 

Sus. I don't know what all this means ; but, whatever it 
is, it goes to poor Sally as fast as my legs can carry it. 

[She is running to door in flat as scene closes. 

Scene II.— A STREET. 

Enter, at opposite sides, Sally, l. h., and Circuit, r- h, 

Cir. I was just coming to you. 

al. And I to you, Mr. Circuit. 
Cir, How do you like your lodgings? 



28 

Sally. What's the use of good lodgings, or fine clothes, or 
anything, if one's miserable? 

Cir. Come, come, friend Windfall's head is a little turned 
by his good fortune, but still 

Sally. A little turned! it must be turned right round — 
for his eyes have never looked my way ^ince it happened 

Cir. I don't like the company he ha* got into. 

Sally. I should wonder if you did. Why, he dined 
somewhere with those two horrid men the day before jester- 
day, and from that moment to this they have kept him a*ay 
from me. 

Cir. Did you write to him, as I a<ivis«-d ? 

Sally. Yes, and here's his cruel answer; [taking letter 
from her bosom'] you may read it. 

Cir. No, no : tell me what he says. 

Sally. He says — [reading the direction] — " Prepaid. 
Miss isally BroomJy, No. 16, 

Cir. Never mind the outside. 

Sally. [Opening it] "My dear Sally!" Should yoti 
think 1 was his dear Sally ? 

Cir. Now go on. 

Sally. " My dear Sally, I'm glad you like your lodgings, 
and sorry I can't come to see youjust yet; but my kind 
friends Morgan and Jacob, who know a great deal more 
th*n I do, say I mustn't think of such a thing. I've got 
my clothes, and very well 1 think you'll say I look ;n 'em. 
I'm s<>rry we can't be married to-morrow , hut Morgan 
and Jacob say I can't think of such a thing till every thing 
is got ready according to my present situation. Don't 
mind this, 'cause it wont be long first, and ps soon as ever 
Morgan and Jacob say it's all right, I'll come and let you 
know. I'm very comfoi table, and hope you're the same. 
We live like fighting cocks. 

" Your's, my dear Sally, till death us do part, 
"Ned Windfall." 

Cir. Come, he says he's yours until death 

Sally. And that will be about a week if he uses me in 
this way. 

Cir. No, no! Have you asked your friends to the party 
this evening ? 

Sally. I've asked all the servants I know, and several 
of the small tradespeople. 

Cir. That's right ! And ordered the supper? 

Sally. Yes ! But what's the good of it all ? 

Cir. That you shall see in time. But here's Susan 
coming. 



29 

Enter Susam, l. h., in her bonnet and shaml. 

Sits. Oh, Sally, I'm so glad I've found you. Good day, 
IV! r Circuit. 

Cir. You seem in a hurry. 

Sus. I'm in a passion. Sally, Sally — what do you 
think ? 

Sally. Oh, my dear — it's time I left off thinking. 

Sus. Well then, I'll tell you. My brother — I can't help 
his being my brother — he's no business to be so wicked, but 
he shan't make me so — my brother wants to make a break 
off between you and Mr. Windfall — and me to set my cap 
at him. What do you say to that? 

Sally. Do it. 

Sus. What do you mean ? 

Sally. What I say. Do it. I don't mean marry him, 
but set your cap at him. I'm getting desperate, and 
I should like to know the worst. If anybody can get him 
away from me, after we've been asked three times, he's not 
worth having. feAnd if anybody can, I should say you can, 
for you're-— [weeping] — oh dear, oh dear! — you're very 
pretty. 

Cir. I vvould not tempt him too far : try my plan first. 
Go 10 him : when he sees you I can't help thinking that his 
proper feelings will letwrn, and that you'll get him away 
from those two abominable 

Sus. [Interrupting] My brother, you mean. 

Cir. Yes, yes — your brother. Now keep up your spirits 
— dont let him see that you're afraid of him — but make him 
afraid of you. 

Saly. I daresay you're right — I will: but it aint very 
easy when one's heart's a-bursting. 

Cir. If all goes right, tell him of your party, and he'll be 
glad to join it; if not, Susan and I will settle what's the 
next thing to be done. In any case, don't invite his "kind 
friends." 

Sally. What ! that Morgan and that Jacob ! — I should 
think not. Oh, Susan, if that young man was anybody but 
your brother, wouldn't I scratch his eyes out. [Exit, l. h. 

Sus. Hadn't I better go with her? 

Cir. [Taking her hand in his two] You can see them 
after ; and mind, if you find that she has failed, [patting her 
hand all the time he speaks] take some opportunity to let 
out about tt.is par,y to-night. 

Sus Do you want Windfall to be there ? 

Cir. Certainly, my good Susan ; certainly. 
D 



so 

Sus. Very well — T'll manage it. 

[Pulling her hand away : he retains it. 

Cir. I've no doubt you will — don't hurry away, my 
dear — I've no doubt you will. You're a very kind-hearted 
girl, Susan — and sharp, too ; sharp as you are kind, and 
kind as you are pretty. 

Sus. La! Mr. Circuit, I'm sure you're very civil. Good 
bye. [Going. 

Cir. Good byp, my dear: we shall meet again this eve- 
ning. 

Sus. Oh, yes. [Aside.'] What a dear kind man ! 

[Exit, L. H. 

Cir. Upon my word^ she's a very nice girl. [Exit, r. h. 

Scene III.— A ROOM IN A TAVERN. 

Door in fiat, it h Ned, Morgan, and Jacob, 
seated at table, smoking and drinking, A large 
bowl of punch on the table : biscuits, glasses, Sfc. 
pipes and tobacco. Ned is newly dressed: 

[As the scene draws up they all laugh] 

Ned [Knocking the ashes out of his pipe and refilling 
it] Capital — capital! You fellows must have seeu a 
precious deal of life. 

Mor. We've seen a little. 

Ned. I thought /was up to a thing or two. 

Jac. Well, Mr. Windfall, I'm not a man to pay compli- 
ments ; but a sharper fellow than you are I never wish to 
meet Kith. 

Mor. Ditto, ditto. 

Ned. Gentlemen, you're very kind, and I like your 
company vastly. 

Mor. Envious people will tell you that we have made 
friends with you just because you're rich. 

[Helping Ned to punch. 

Ned. Let 'em — I know better. 

Jac. It's a great comfort to hear you say so. 

Ned. Why, didn't you ask me to dinner before you 
knew that I was anything but what I was? 

Mor. I did. 

Ned. Very well, then — let 'em say what they like. Egad, 
if I mustn't choose my own friends, I suppose I mustn't 
choose my own wife next. 

Mor, Talking of wives, there's my sister Susan — 



31 

Ned. Yes, and there's my Sally — bless her. 

Mor. [Helping him to some pnncK] You call Susan a 
pretty girl — dont you ? 

Ned. Oh, very. I wrote to Sally to put off our wedding, 
you know — 

Jac. [Aside] Well done, Ned ; he won't have Susan at 
any price. 

Mor. Susan was saying the other day, " If ever I 
marry 

Ned. Just let me finish about Sally. 

Jac. That's right, Ned ; finish about Sally. 

Mor. [Sharply] Jacob, I wish you'd do me the favour 
to — [softening as he sees Ned watching] have some more 
punch ? 

Ned. Yes, do. [To Morgan] I say, how soon do you 
think I may be married ? 

Mor. There's plenty of time for that. 

Ned. I don't think Sally would agree with you. 

Jac. I'll be bound she wouldn't. 

Mor. [to Jacob.] What the devil do you mean — [soft- 
tning] by not handing me the biscuits? 

[Jac. hands them to him. 

Ned. I thought you two were going to quarrel, I de- 
clare. 

Mor. What! Jacob and I quarrel! [Rising and coming 
forward] Come here, my dear Jacob, I want to speak to 
you. [Jac. comes Jorward, 

Jac. Well? 

Mor. You're a blackguard. 

Jac. Mind what you're saying. 

Mor. You're ihe worse for liquor, sir! 

Jac. On the contrary, I'm all the better — I don't mean to 
stand your bullying any longer. 

Mor. Don't be a fool ! Why don't you back me about 
Susan? 

Jac. Because I don't mean it. 

Mor What do you mean, then ? 

Jac. To marry her myself — and now it's out. 

Mor. I'm very glad it is. 

Jac. You consent, then ? 

Mor. Do I ? — I'll let you know that directly. It's in my 
power to ruin you. 

Jac Yes, but you won't do it for your own sake. 
Mor. Perhaps not: but there's another way to talk to a 
rascal — which, my very dear friend, you know you are. 



32 

Give up Susan; and, the day that she marries Windfall, 
I'll secure you two hundred pounds. 
Jac. Out of his money ? 

Mor. That's no business of yours — what think you ? 
Jac. I think it's a large sura ; acid I think it's a cruel 
immoral world, that forces people, with the purest inten- 
tions, to follow their interest rather than their inclination. 
Mor. I must trouble you for a straight answer ? 
Jac. Why, considering what a great match this would 

be for your sister, I'm almost tempted 

Mor. Humbug to the last! You agree ? 
Jac. Ah, Morgan! you can turn me round your finger. 
Mor It's a bargain, then ; between rogues a word is as 
good as a bond. 

Ned. If you two fellows don't come scon I shall drink 
all the punch. 

Mor. Coming. [They return to the table.'} 
Ned. I want to give you a toast — 
Jac. Jump up, we'll have a speech. [They fill glasses. 
Ned. I object for two reasons; first of all, I've had a 
good deal of punch — and naxt of all, I couldn't make a 
speech if I hadn't — 

Mor. Do it your own way: 

Ned. Morgan, you were talking of your pretty sister. I'll 

give you my sweetheart, Sally Broomley. 

Mor. Oh, well, Sally Broomley. [Drinks^ 
Jac. Sally Broomley. [Drinks.] 
Ned. Sally Broomley, and may she and me soon be — 
Mo?-. [Thumping the table.] Bravo, bravo, who says 
you can't make a speech ? 

Ned I'm glad you like it, because I'm going to make 
another. 

Mor. and Jac Hear. hear. 

[Sally opens the door in fiat and peeps in, 
Ned. Come, fill again. [They fill.] 
Sally. There they are, the n,isty sots, smoking and 
drinking still. 
Ned. I haven't forgot that pretty sister of yours — 
Sally. Indeed! 

Ned. I'm thinking of marrying, as you know — 
Sally. Oh, come ! 

Ned. I've put Sally off for a day or two, but that's 
nothing — 
Sally. Is it? 

Ned. When a man is about being married, he feels na- 
turally tender towards the feminine sex, and so I'll give you 



33 

the health of one that is— (upon my word I'm a poor han 
at speechifying) ball know she's pretty, and I don^ 
doubt she's everything else. 

Sally- jPoor little fellow, he is fond of me yet. 

Ned. Here's Susan Rattler ! [A scream from Sally.] 
What's that? 

jlfor. Only some cat outside. [DWmAs.] Susan Rattler. 

iVW. Come, let's do it all right. 

Mor. Jac. and Ned. Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah ! 

Ned. One cheer more. 

Mor. Jac. and Ned. Hurrah ! 

[Enter Sally, at door in fiat. 

Sally. And a little one in. 

Mor. [Aside] Murder! 

Ned. Sally ? 

Sally. [Advancing.] Ye?, Sir,— Sally ;— you didnt 
expect the pleasure of my company. 

Ned. No, upon my life I didn't. 

Sally. Come this way. [Aside.] I've heard him with 
my own ears, or I couldn't have believe d it. 

[Ned has advanced to the front. 

Ned. My dear Sally, I'm uncommon glad to see you. 

Sally. [Turning and seeing him.] Gracious! who in the 
world are you? 

Ned. Neddy — your own Neddy. 

Sally. Mine? Everybody's Neddy, I should think, while 
you look like such a donkey. 

Ned, What do you mean by a donkey ? These are my 
new clothes ihat I wrote you word I thought you'd like. 

Sally. For which you have to thank your kind friends, 
I suppose — good for eothing fellows ! 

Mor. Hard words, Mrs. Sally, hard words ; hut you 
ladies are not very particular when you once begin. 

Sally. It's lucky we're not — somebody ought to speak 
the truth. It's my opinion, and so I tell you, that you aud 
t'other one there are no better than you should be. 

Jac. The best man that ever lived is no better than he 
should be. 

Sally. And yet an open scamp is better than a sneak. 

Ned. Sally, the^e gentlemen are my friends, who would 
do anything for me. 

Sally. Then tell them to go out of the room. 

Ned. I can't do that— they've been dining with me, 
yesterday, and to-day too. 

Sally. How very friendly! 

Mor. We'll save you the trouble —come Jacob. 



34 

Jac. Anything to oblige the ladies. 
Mor. Here, Ned, one more glass before we go. 
Sally. Certainly not ; he has had too much already. 
Mor. One more glass, or we don't budge. 
Ned. [Going to table and drinking with them.] One 
moe glass of this punch couldn't hurt a fly, it is so un- 
common mild. 
[Ned returns to Sally. Morgan and Jacob are going off. 
Mor. [Aside to Jacob] That will just make him inde- 
pendent; and now if she bullies nim she'd get as good as 
she brings. [Exeunt Morgan and Jacob. 

Sally. Are they gone ? 

Ned. Yes, Sally dear, and you can say what you like. 
Sally. I mean it; but I doubt if you're in a fit state to 
hear it. 

Ned. What's the matter with me ? 
Sally. You've been drinking, sir — you don't stand 
steady. 

Ned. Nonsense, I'm as steady as old time — but I'm 
rather tired, and to tell you the truth, [ should'nt mind if 
I had a chair. 

Sally. [Putting him one.] There then, sit down, do. 
Ned. Come, Sally, I'm not a going to sit down if you 
don't -I know what good manners is. [Sits down.~\ Get 
yourself another. [She gets one for herself, 

Sally. [Sitting down.] Now, sir. 
Ned. That's light, — have a glass of punch. 
Sally. Don't talk to me about punch ! Why do I find 
you here ? 

Ned. 'Cause I'm living here. 
Sally. Why do I find those two men heie ? 
Ned. 'Cause they'ie stopping with me. 
Sally. I'm come 10 warn you — they're two as wicked 
wiet hes as ever were born. 

Ned. iVonseme, they're capital fellows; they're teach- 
ing me to spend my fortune like a gentleman. 

Sally. And is smoking and drinking spending your 
money like a gentleman? 

Ned. That's part of it, 1 believe. 

Sally. And a very bad part of it it is; but they'll lead 
you ofi, till instead of being as respectable an individual as 
any in the parish, you'll become the wicktdest little dog 
in all England. 

Ned. Don't you be alarmed ! 

Sally. But I am ; and precious good causj I have to be. 
Susan Rattler's pretty, is she ? 



35 

Ned. I can't help that. 
Sally. But you could help giving her health. 
Ned. That's nothing. If you had come a little sooner 
you mi^ht have heard me give the health of one that I like 
a good sight better than her. 

Sally. You're too bad for any thing! Who was that 
pray? 

Ned. One Sally Broomley. 
Sally. Who— me? Me, Ned, me? 
Ned. Yes, you, you jealous little hussy. 
Salli/. Weil, come, you're a good old fellow after all. 
Ned. I believe you. 

Sally. But now, I say Ned, will you do me a favor? 
Ned. Half a hundred. * 

Sally. That's a dear boy — give up these men ! 
Ned. No, I certainly shan't do that. 
Sally. But you promised me, sir ! 
Ned. Yes; but I didn't know it was anything about 
men. I thought it was something about women. 
Sally. You might as well ! 
Ned. I'd rather not ! 
Sally. You must! 
Ned. I can't ! 
Sally. You shall ! 

Ned. I won't! [Sally and NEVjunipup. 

Sally. Very well,sir. You don't choose to take my advice, 
and now remember what I tell you — you'll repent of it. 

Ned. Come, come, Mrs. Sally — -no threatening. I'm 
rather too rich for that. 

Sally. Ah, there it is! it's that horrid money. I wish I 
hai every penny of it. 
Ned. So do a good many other people. 
Sally. You know what I mean- I'd throw it ail away. 
Ned. Then you needn't mind my doing it. 
Sally. Make a joke of it— do ! liuin is a nice subject to 
joke up'on, 

Ned. I tlon't understand what you mean. I'm &n inde- 
pendent man — and let me be one. 

Sally. Very grood : you want ruin, and you shall have it. 
When your money is all gone, perhaps you'll be a decent 
man again. 

Ned. A decent man ! — who says I'm anything but a 
decent man? 

Sally. Never mind. You take voir own way — I'll 
take mine. [Going. 

Ned. Sally, what are you up to ? 



36 

Sally. I know. 

Ned. Yes— but I want to know. 

Sally. Then you won't. 7 can say won't as well as you. 

Ned. I never thought it would come to this, Sally, be- 
tween us. 

Sally. Perhaps you didn't. 

Ned. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. 

Sally. I shall not stop here to be insulted. Don't at- 
tempt to fol'ow me, 

Ned. I wasn't thinking of it. 

Sally. [Aside, half crying] He won't follow me. 
[Aloud] Stay, sir— stay with your sweet companions, 
[iVIoit. and Jac. re-enter] and make the most of them — 
for you may rest assured they'll make the most they can of 
you. Farewell, savage. 

Mor. Good bye, Sally, if you must go. 

Sally. Monster! 

Jac- Allow me to hold the door for you. 

Sally. Hypocrite! [Crying] Ned! [Exit. 

Ned. Well — there's three of us, however ! Savage, 
monster, and hypocrite! 

Jac. I'm afraid you've been disputing. 

Ned. Uh, let her go ; she'll recover herself by and bye 
— and if she don't, I can't help it. 

Mor. My dear Ned, you're a trump ; but she's coming 
back, well leave you again. 

Jac. Hadn't we better stop then ? 

Mor. [Aside to him] Come away, you fool; it's Susan. 
[Exeunt Mor.«»^ Jac. l. h. 
Enter Susan. 

Ned. [Seating himself \ folding his arms, and crossing 
his legs] What game is she at now? [Aloud] It's very 
little use your coming back, if you can't behave better than 
you did before. 

Sus. What d'ye say ? 

Ned. [Looking round] Oh, itsyow, Susan. How d'ye do? 

Sus. Pretty well, thank you — how are you I 

Ned. Pretty ill, I can tell you. 

Sus I'm sorry for that. What's the matter? 

Ned. Sally. 

Sus. I was afraid there was something wrong, for I met 
her looking very queer. 

Ned. She ought to be ashamed nf herself, and so 1 told 
her. She kicks up all this bobbery with me, just because 
your brother and his fiieud are good enough to teach me 
how to spend my fortune as a gentleman ought. 



37 

Sus. [Aside] What a shame of my brother to impose 
upon such a good-natured little fellow — and then I'm to 
impose upon him too. However, I've promised Sally, and 
so I suppose I must. [Aloud] She's wrong to leave you so. 

Ned. You're a nice, gentle creature, Susan — like what 
my Sally was. My Sally, did I say ?— she's not my Sally, 
and she shan't be my Sally. 

Sus. She almost deserves not to be, if she worries such 
a dear good man as you are 

Ned. How pretty you talk. 

Sus When people are once agreed to be married, they 
ought to agree for good and all. 

Ned. Is them your real sentiments ? 

Sus. I'm sure they are. 

Ned. Then I wish you was my Sally. 

Sus I can't be that. 

Ned. No ! but you might be my Susan. 

Sus. How am I to trust a man who can change so soon ? 

Ned. Look at the usage I've had. I was very fond of 
Sally — I must be fond of somebody — I could be very fond 
of you. 

Sus. You must take more time to think about it. 

Ned. No— I won't think: if I do I shall think myself 
into a madhouse; and so I'll say to you at once, Susan, 
—[a clarionet heard without] — What's that? 

Sus. Only a man playing in the street. 

[Clarionet plays part of " Sally in our alley." 

Ned. Hush, hush ! 
[Re listens attentively , and sinks gradually into his chair, 
As the music ceases, he sings tremulously, Susan 
watching him with kind interest.] 
The Sal they used to sing about, 
Wan't half the girl my Sal is. 
[bursts into tears] Oh, Susan, I'm very much afraid I'm 
a shocking little blackguard. 

Sus. You're no such thing — you're one of the best- 
hearted little men that ever lived. 

Ned. What do you"mean ? 

Sus. That I've only been trying you. And now I can 
tell Sally you're as fond of her as ever, and you'll be as 
happy as the day is long. 

Ned. You don't say so. 

Sus. I do. Why did you not go with her? — she has 
got a puty of friends to-night at her new lodgings, and of 
course she wanted yoa. 

Ned. Why could't she say so, then, instead of putting 
herself in a passion? 



38 

Sus. Nevermind— if she didn't invite you I do. We*., 
go together, [taking his arm. 

Ned. Susan — you dear creature ! — as I can't marry you 
myself, see if I don't give the lucky man that does a thou- 
sand pounds to set him up in business. 

[Exeunt together 

Re-enter Morgan, first, and then Jacob, observing them. 

Mor. Well done, Susan !— she has got him safe enough, 
and it's all right, 

Jac. Is it, though ? I'm half inclined 

Mor. Don't preach, but come along: wherever they 
are, we must be wanted. [Exeunt together. 

Scene IV— SALLY'S LODGINGS, SET OUT 
FOii A PARTY. 

Sally amongst her friends, at the back in second room, the 
door of which is open. Circuit enters; Sally sees him, 
and advances to meet him. 

Sally. [Stopping after a few steps and speaking towards 
inner room.] There now, make yourselves all as happy as 
ever you can; there's lots of tea — green and black — and 
1' ve ordered no end of muffins and crumpets. [Coming 
doron] Oh, Mr Circuit, I'm so glad you're come. I hardly 
know what I'm about. 

Cir. Well, how did you get on with him ? 

Sally- Why I gave it him well, I promise you. At one 
time I thought we should make it up, and that he was 
coming all right; but he didn't, so I gave it him again. 

Cir. You don't know that he's coming here, then ? 

Sally. No. 

Cir. Ah, he'll come. Susan will manage all that; she's 
a sensible, kind-hearted, pretty girl. 

Sally. Too pretty, I'm afraid. 

Cir. No, I shouldn't say that: when a woman is right in 
all other respects, 1 can't think that her being good-looking 
is anything against her. 

Sally. But why have you made me give this party ?. 

Cir. To alarm Windfal 1. 

Sally. Look at the supper that's ordered. I'm afraid it 
will cost a mint of money, 

Cir. That's the very thing. I want you to frighten him out 
of his extravagance by being extravagant too; that if he 
can't see his faults in his own glass he may see them in yours. 

Sally. La, what clever people you lawyers are! 



39 

Cir. Trust to me. When he comes be gay and talkative, 
and attentive to every body but hitn — in short, do every- 
thing you can to annoy him. 

Sally. Well, I'm sure I will, if you think it will do him 
good. 

Cir Join your friends, then — he'll soon be here ! 

Sally. [Going — returns.'] La, Mr. Circuit, a thought 
strikes me. I wonder if you would do me a favor ? 

Cir. Surely! What is it t 

Sally. Why — would you mind taking the trouble— I beg 
your pardon, just to make love to me a little ? 

Cir. I? 

Sally. Yes; I should be very much obliged to you, be- 
cause I think that would nearly drive him mad, poor little 
fellow. 

Cir. Well, I'll do my best ! How shall I begin? [Offer- 
ing his arm.'] Suppose you take my arm. 

Sally. With the greatest of pleasure. 

[The party come in from the other room. 

Cir. Oh, here come your friends 1 

Sally. Well, have you all made a good tea? 

Several. Oh, yes, capital ! 

I Sally. Come, then, what say you to a hop ? Choo>e 
your partners, and dance away. You needn't be afraid of 
making yourselves hungry, for I've got a rare supper for you 
by and by. What will you dance ? QuodriUs, I suppose. 

Several. Oh, quod-rills — quod-rills. 

[A dance is formed. One of the men advances to 
Sally, and bows as if asking her to dance. 

Sally. No thank you, not at present. Mr. Circuit and 
I will sit here and look on. 

[4 quadrille is formed — they dance. A fiddler takes 
his place in a chair, with a bottle and glass under 
it. He calls out the figures. When they come to 
Cavalier Seul. 
Cir. Who's that? 

Sall/i. Mr. Sprout, the greengrocer ;~a smart little man, 
isn't he? 

Cir. Smart as a carrot. Who's that? 
Sally. Mr. Suet, our butcher. 
Cir. How famously he cuts ! Who's this one ? 
Sally. Mr. Ovendone, the baker. 
t Cir. He must have dined upon yeast — see how he 
rises. But this seems to be the man to carry away the 
prize. 



40 

Sally. Oh, that's John, the tall footman, at No. 34 ; he's 
reckoned to dance the quodrilles beautiful. They say he's 
had evening lessons at a grown up academy. 

[The dance finishes icith a, general galnpe, in which 
Circuit and Sally join. Ned and ^usan having 
entered, Susan forces him against his will to 
to galope frith her. As the other couples aie 
going round, Sally and Circuit dance straight 
across the stage up to Ned and Susan, and then 
galope backward from them without seeming to 
notice them.] 
Ned. [to Susan] Mrs. Sally's coining it a litt'e too 
stroug. I say, I say, d'ye see 'em ? Sally — Sally, I say. 

[Circuit and Sally get up. She takes his arm. 
Sally. [Affectedly.] Good evening, Mr. Windfall, quite 
delighted to see you at my party. 

Ned. Very likely — but you didn't ask me. 
Sally. No matter for that ; any friend of Susan's. 
Ned. Oh! any friend of Susan's— oh ! 
• Sally. Aside to Circuit.] I wish he would let go of her 
arm. 

Cir. [Aside to he)'.] Nevermind. 

Ned. [Aside to Susan.] What does she keep hold of his 
arm for ? 

Susan. [Aside to him.] That's nothing. 
Ned. [Very loud and earnestly.] Sally! 
Sally. Goodness, you make me jump. 
Ned- What does all this mean? I insist upon an expla- 
nation ! 

Sally. If you're going to misbehave yourself, sir, I shall 
give you no explanation at all ! 

[Circuit motions to the company to retire to next room ; 
as they do so, Morgan and Jacob come down be- 
tween them, 
Mor. I fear there's some misunderstanding — can we be of 
any use ? 

Sally. Not the least! N obody asked you ? 
Jac. Still it's one's duty. 

Sally. I mean nobody asked you to come here. And I 
mean that your room will be far more agreeable than your 
company. 

Ned. Stay where you are, Morgan and Jacob. [To 
Sally.] They are my personal friends. 
Sally. Some day I hope you'll know who your friends 



41 

Ned. You just come here ! [Sally comes to Mm : Cir- 
cu it and Susan retire.'] W hat's this party for ? 
SaUy. Fun! 

Ned. Fun ! Do you know what an expense it will be ? 
Sally. What does that signify when one's rich ! 
Ned. Rich I If you go on this way I shall soon be a 
beggar ? 

Sally. Nonsense; If I'm independent, let me be so? 
Ned. [Aside.] She's turning my own words against me. 
[Aloud.] I'll soon put a stop to this. Mr. Circuit shan't let 
you have any more money. 

Sally. Ah, but you told him to let me have lots, and he 
has . [ Turns up stage. 

Ned. Oh, I'm a miserable man ! Morgan, do come here* 
this Sally will be the ruin of me ? 

Mor. She would have ruined you, and therefore you may 
think yourself a lucky fellow that your'e going to marry 
Susan ; 

Ned. What are you talking about ? 
Mor. Come— you don't suppose that we didn't overhear 
you make her an offer ! 

Ned. I did no such thing! She's an excellent girl; and 
I said I'd give her a thousand pounds when she married, 
and sol will. 

Mor. You said you'd marry her! Jacob and I will swear 
to it. And your friend, the lawyer there, will tell you that 
two witnesses are sufficient. 

Ned. Mr. Circuit, just step this way. [Circuit comes.] 
Pray, if two people swear, I promised to marry a person I 
never did promise, is that good against me ? 
Cir. Stop, who is the person 1 
Ned. Susan. 

Cir. Indeed ! If the witnesses are respectable, I fear you 
will be in a difficulty ? 

Ned. I begin to doubt about respectable. But it's Mr. 
Morgan here and his friend Mr. Jacob. 

Mor. N one of your impudence, sir ! My sister is not to be 
trifled with. You must either marry her or fight me. 
Ned. Oh, I'll fight you as soon as look at you. 
Solly. [Getting before him.] You stand off, sir, if you 
please. [Turning up his cuffs and preparing to fig \ 

Mor. Why, you were quarrelling with him yours It jus! 
now ? 

Sally. Suppose I was— he's nobody's dog but iliuc. 
Ned. Thank yoa, Sally; thank you. 



42 

Sus. [Advancing] Morgan, what are you about? 

Mor. Why, Mr Windfall here has the impudence to sweat 
that he is not engaged to marry you ;but I'll swear he is. 

Jac. And so will I. 

Sus. And I'll swear he's not. 

Ned, Thank you, Susan ; thank you. 

Cir. The case falls to the ground, and the witnesses may 
retire. 

Ned. Thank you, Mr. Circuit; thank you. 

Mor. [Aside to Jac] We're done upon that. [Aloud, and 
holding out his hand to Ned] My dear Ned. 

Jac. [Following his example] My dear Ned. 

Ned. What ate you at now? 

Mor. Couldn't you see we were only joking ? 

Ned. Precious queer kind of joking! 

Mor. Why, didn't yoa know that Susan was going to be 
married to my dear friend Jacob ? 

Ned. Can't say I did. 

Mor. And didn't I know that you had kindly and gene- 
rously promised her a thousand pounds. 

Jac. [Running to Susan] My dear Susan 

Sus. Go along, sir, I have found you out; and I wouldn't 
have you if there wasn't another man in the world. 

Jac. [Turning upon Mor] This is all your fault: if you 
had told me your sister was going to have a thousand 
pounds 

Mor. You would'nt have agreed with rae to give her up 
for the chance of two hundred. 

Sally. I have heard tell that when rogues fall out honest 
men come by their own. 

Ned. You're two nice boys, aren't you ? Poor fellows • 
I pity you. 

Mor. Before you pity me, pay me. [Drawing out paper] 
Here's a warrant of attorney for three thousand pounds. 

Ned. I know nothing about it — it's a swindle. I didn't 
sign it, and I wasn't sober when I did. 

Cir. One would really think he understood legal plead- 
ings. 

Ned. [Aloud'] Mr. Circuit, am I obliged — 

Cir. The attestation which the law requires i wanting — 
and the instrument is, like yourselves, good for nothing. 

[throwing it at them] 

Mor. Oh, that's it, is it? Well then— we're done, and I 
can't help it ? 

Jac. I trust, Morgan, this will be a lesson to you, 



43 

Mot. Come, I can stand a good deal—more particularly 
when I know I'm wrong: but to be leciu-ed by such an 
abominable hypocrite as you are is too much tor humau 
patience. 

Jac. And this man calls himself my friend. 

Mor. Mr. Windfall, yo 'il say there's little merit in a con- 
fession when one has been found out; but be'ore I leave 
you, I feel for once in my life, an irresistible propensity to 
tell the truth. I will not walk off with more blame than falls 
to my share. I thought you had more money than you knew 
what to do with, and I knew that I had less. 1 certainly 
plotted that you should marry my sister. But the merit of 
the great fraud belongs exclusively to my moral friend 
here, Mr. Jacob Goodman. I now wish you joy of your 
property, and perhaps, some day, when I have retrieved 
my character, we may be friends again. [Exit. 

Jac. I'm sure you'll allow me to explain! 

Ned. No, sir. 

Jac. Oh, well! think it's all my doing. No one ever 
seems to understand my true character. My comfort will 
be that if I do suffer unjustly, it will be to shield my poor 
friend. [Exit. 

Ned. Well, Susan, I don't think that brother of your's 
is such a bad fellow after all- But you're precious lucky 
to be clear of Mr. Jacob Goodman, altho' you have lost a 
husband. 

Cir. Stop — she may have found another. 

Ned. Oh, that's the way the wind blows! Well, dash 
me if I arn't as glad as sixpence that my thousand pounds 
will be shared with the man that brought me the news of 
my luck. 

[Ned and Sally have been avoiding each other ; hit 
Circuit and Susan retiring together upi he stage, 
leave them face to face — they lookfoolish. After a 
pause, N ed coughs ~ Sally coughs. 

Ned. Well, Sally, this is rum work; are we to be the 
only people that arn't married after all ? 

Sally. Just as you like. 

Ned. You know what I like, well enough ; but what 
I don't like is your extravagance. 

Sally. I saw you going to ruin, and I thought wherever 
you went it was my business to go with you. 

Ned. I was a fool ! I didn't know what I was about. 

Sally. But I knew well enough what /was about; — for, 
says our good old friend there, people can see faults in 



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44 0n 457 994 i 

other people when they can't see their own. And so by his 
advice, I shammed being extravagant. 
Ned. And is thi- all sham ? 

Sally. Why, not exactly ! There'll be the suppe- to pay 
for? 

Ned. Hang the supper. The lesson's cheap at the price 
Come to my arras old girl, and we'll be married to-morrow. 
[They embrace] It's all right, Mr. Circuit. [All come down. 
Cir. And if I have helped to rn^ke it so, I snail be very 
glad. Lawyers don't always give bad advice, much as ihey 
get abused. Money to those who don't know how to make 
good use of it, is a curse instead of a blessing : but I can 
tell you, Mr. Windfall, that you have got a wife, who is 
worth all the fortune you have come in for. 
Ned. Egid ! I believe you. 

Sally. And now that we have money of our own, and a 
house of our own, let us see if we can fill it with real friends 
of our own. At all events, Ned, do you let them know that 
we shall always be happy to see them. 

Ned [Advancing ]. You hear what she says, and I 
hope you will attend to her. The yood old customs of good 
old England, are fast disappearing. It is the aim of this 
little Drama to keep one of them pleasantly in your re- 
collection. The poor Dustmen in the streets of London 
dare no longer ring — they can onry cry — and, in my 
opiniou, it's enough to make 'em. However [taking 
Sally's hand] there is one Dustman's Belle that I have 
vowed to hold fast by, and I mean to keep my vow. 

Look then, with favour, upon your " Constant Dust- 
man," and his Belle, and as long as she enacts the Belle, 
let your kind hands supply the clappe F 



S. G. Fairorother, Printer, 31, Bow Street. Covent Garden 



LIBRARY OF 



CONGRESS 




014 457 994 A 



Hollinger Corp. 
pH 8.5 



